Shmoney Dance

The table, six weeks old

Ranked by league points, then points scored. Scores include simulated auto-substitutions (Shmoney, YANITED, CHunkyJeet FC, Old Lady, A, fent folders) because the league office had not processed the gameweek at press time. All six of last week’s simulated scores matched the official finals. Bonus and defensive contributions were re-pulled after the final whistle at Coventry. If the office revises anything, the correction runs here.

Shmoney 36—24 Hookah Doncic

Shmonthropic 1, Claude 0

Last recap ended on Mr. Noori v Mr. Kannan and his three ghosts. The ghosts showed up by not showing up. Henderson (CRY): foot injury. Mosquera (ARS): not in the squad. Milenković (NFO): bone bruise. All three started, third week running. This is the man who promised in August, “I’ll actually work and change lineup,” and on draft day explained his system: “I put in people who get minutes.”

Didn’t matter. Shmoney’s eleven had 31 before a single auto-sub, already seven clear. At Anfield, Gravenberch (LIV) took a second yellow on 62 minutes for clipping Doku. City had 0.16 xG before the red. Three minutes later Haaland (MCI), Shmoney’s, scored. Gvardiol (MCI), also Shmoney’s, set up the third. Hookah’s Liverpool duo: minus one, combined. Mr. Noori, 4 September: “is gravenbench washed now?” Started him anyway.

On 20 September, fresh off 5-0, Mr. Noori asked the chat: “how long will my Cinderella story last?” Mr. Mehrotra: “enough to save you from relegation pa.” Wrong Cinderella. Mr. Chawla had handed the slipper over on draft day: “shyam is this seasons cinderella story / from relegation to european football.” Mr. Mehrotra had also called the ending: “i think arne lack of forward presence gonna eventually bite him.” This week the forward line was Flemming (IPS): nineteen minutes, one point. Mr. Noori, after: “How poetic is it that Shmonthropic was the first person to defeat the Claude team.” Shmonthropic’s statement, his first message in 35 days: 💪🏾.

“Arne is bound to fall soon”

— Teddy, 20 September, three weeks early

fent folders 41—65 YANITED

Who needs to set a lineup when you’re Goated

Saturday, 8:43am: Mr. Dewan announces he forgot to set his lineup. Three starting defenders, zero minutes. Khusanov (MCI) never got off City’s bench, Ballard (SUN) hurt his hamstring with Northern Ireland, Mykolenko (EVE) wasn’t in the squad. The auto-subs sent on O’Reilly (MCI) and Boscagli (BHA), five apiece. Boscagli was a break-week waiver win. Mr. Hur, Friday: “Darn Akash got Boscagli.”

The rest of the lineup danced on its own. Rogers (CHE) scored inside three minutes of a 5-1, Palmer (CHE) set up the opener, and Dewsbury-Hall (EVE) went goal plus assist at Hull for thirteen. Last month he said “Blue lives matter.” Chelsea finally heard him. Even his striker, Evanilson (BOU), scored against his Chelsea guys, off a Caicedo clearance. Everything hit. Sunday: “Big morning for YANITED / Who needs to set a lineup when you’re Goated.”

Mr. Chawla tried, and got punished for it. He claimed Hinshelwood (BHA) and started him; Hurzeler called him “definitely available” and left him out. Brobbey (SUN) and Igor Jesus (NFO) came back from the break hurt. Bruno Fernandes (MUN), pick one overall: one point, one yellow. Calafiori (ARS) scored for nine and Matheus Nunes (MCI) made six, which is also why Khusanov never left the bench.

“Damn didn’t set my lineup and still spanked ro / I’m Goated”

— Akash, Monday, 4:37pm

Real Manhattan 48—27 CHunkyJeet FC

Doku off the bench, Ayari off the roster

Three weeks ago the trade machine had Mr. Hur shipping Doku (MCI) to Mr. Siddiqui. Nobody bit. Sunday, Doku came on at Anfield on 56 minutes, drew the red, hit the shot that fell to Haaland, then curled in the second himself. Twelve points in 34 minutes. Mr. Hur, gameweek one: “Whence Doku and Saliba return I’ll be unstoppable, just you wait big bro.” Doku’s back. Saliba isn’t. Halfway there. Mr. Siddiqui watched it live: “Doku / What a banger.” Cherki (MCI) added the third for ten, and Ajer (BRE), whom Mr. Hur begged last month for “two more DCs,” scored at Villa Park. Mr. Hur: “AJERRRR.”

Friday, 12:50pm, Mr. Hur on a waiver win: “At least I got Tunisian goat Atari tho / Ayari.” At 1:45 he dropped Ayari to re-sign Caicedo (CHE), a man he once scouted as “basically gets 4 points every game from DCs.” Caicedo made two, and his clearance bounced in for Bournemouth. Botman lasted a working day. Aina, an afternoon. Ayari got cut before Mr. Hur could even post his welcome.

CHunkyJeet were cooked by minute three, when Khalaili (CRY) headed a back-pass straight to Ndoye. Robertson (TOT) wasn’t in the Spurs squad and Alisson Becker (LIV) let in three. One correction: Mr. Hur’s “so chopped cheese” review of Mbeumo (MUN) is withdrawn on appeal. He scored for eight, running the play Mr. Siddiqui described in September: “Ghost the whole game and then get a goal or assist at the last minute.”

wadeland 47—37 Rayanair

Mr. Mehrotra starts De Cuyper

Gameweek one: Mr. Mehrotra benches De Cuyper (BHA), who scores seventeen. Gameweek two: benched again. Gameweek six, for reasons we won’t question: starts him. Goal, clean sheet, fifteen. Saturday, 10:10am: “de cuyper is so elite man.” Always was. He was just on your bench.

Cunha (MUN) made ten off the assist for Mbeumo, about an hour after Mr. Siddiqui typed “Cunha u must be executed.” Even the bench, which Mr. Mehrotra says clears ten every week, only made six. Character development.

Rayanair did everything right. Eleven starters, eleven played, a first this season. Bijol (LEE) played four minutes. It counts. Bruno Guimarães (ARS) scored the winner off the bench on his Emirates debut, nine in 27 minutes, and Belloumi (HUL) came on and scored against Everton. 37 beats six teams this week. In gameweek one, 43 beat six teams and lost too. 0-6. Same flight path, new delay.

Big Michail 40—29 RDunited

Mr. Siddiqui watches Old Trafford so you don’t have to

Mr. Siddiqui’s Saturday, live: “This game is torture.” “Baleba is class wow.” Then Bentancur came off the Spurs bench and headbutted Luke Shaw: “THATS A RED / THATS A HEADBUTT / OMG CARNAGE.” Solanke equalised in the 92nd while Lisandro Martínez misjudged the cross. Six points from six, United’s worst start since 1986-87.

Sunday he hit a place no United fan should reach: “I’m rly supporting Liverpool rn.” During the break he’d also announced City were “Found guilty of all 115 now.” The commission said 114. Mr. Siddiqui’s number is under appeal.

His fantasy team never stood a chance. Isak (LIV): thigh, Sweden. Šeško (MUN): injured. Pope (NEW): benched for Horníček. Bench total: zero. Mr. Kang barely had to try. João Pedro (CHE) scored twice for twelve and leads the league with five, and Vuskovic (BHA) kept a clean sheet for eight. Footnote: when the trade machine floated Tyrick Mitchell for Kostoulas, Mr. Kang said “Tyrick mitchell? / mate.” Mitchell: four. Kostoulas: one.

“Next yr can we do fantrax this app is buns”

— Hugh (GOOG), Saturday

“I’d be down for Trax or Parne / It may be time to move on”

— Teddy, 19 August, draft day. Still on the app

A 23—28 Old Lady

Load management

Three weeks ago Mr. Mehrotra passed on Solanke (TOT): “i’m good on solanke tho he’s buns.” Solanke scored a 92nd-minute equaliser at Old Trafford for seven, and Signore Conta won. Also on file, Mr. Chawla on City’s verdict: “juve 2006 was bigger i think.” Signore Conta was not consulted.

Donnarumma (MCI) kept a clean sheet at Anfield for nine. On A’s bench. Raya (ARS) started and made three. Swap them and A wins 29-28. Donnarumma has one start in six weeks. Ahmed’s only public statement on the matter, draft day: “Willing to trade Donnarumma Zubimendi Fernandes xhaka Aaranson / For a striker.” No takers. Elsewhere, Szoboszlai (LIV) sat out with a hamstring and Truffert (BOU) went minus one in a 5-1.

Barcola (LIV) started at Anfield and made two. Mr. Siddiqui, who chased him through two weeks of waivers: “Thank god I didn’t get barcola.”