Villain Arc

The table, four weeks old

Ranked by league points, then points scored. Scores include simulated auto-substitutions (Hookah Doncic, RDunited, Shmoney, Old Lady, Big Michail, A, YANITED, Rayanair) because the league office had not processed the gameweek at press time. Two of those substitutions are the story of the week: Bogle for Gyökeres is worth fifteen to Old Lady, and Awoniyi for David is worth minus two to the machine, and both are correct under the rule. Bonus and defensive contributions were re-pulled after the final whistle at Elland Road. If the office revises anything, the correction runs here.

Real Manhattan 38—47 Hookah Doncic

All he needed was a Newcastle clean sheet

The champion loaded up. Tyrique George (EVE) on Thursday, Ronald Araújo (LIV) welcomed in Spanish, Lewis Dunk (BHA) on free agency Friday. On Sunday Dunk hit a 25-yarder at Coventry and Teddy typed “DUNKLKKKKKK.” Eleven seconds later: “Fudge arne has Vernruggen tho.” Verbruggen (BHA) made six saves in the same game for eight. Sunday night, 38 to 49, one game left: “All I need is a Newcastle clean sheet tomorrow.”

Newcastle conceded four. Ampadu (LEE), the machine’s midfielder, assisted one. Dedić (NEW) went off at 57 minutes for zero. The timestamps tell the rest: “Noooooooo” at 12:33pm. “Noooooo again” at 12:35. “Now Parne is gonna win” at 12:37. “Wow I rlly lost / To Parne” at 1:16.

The 47 came from the back, as always: Gabriel (ARS) nine, Virgil (LIV), Tarkowski (EVE) and Verbruggen eight each, Ampadu seven. The forward line is where the villain shows its human side. Promise David (BHA) did not play. Awoniyi (COV) played 52 minutes, elbowed De Cuyper, saw red, and finished on minus two, and the rulebook subs him in anyway (“nvm Reddit said it’ll swap to negative 💀💀 that’s so buns bruh”). Flemming (IPS), signed this week, scored a 90th-minute winner at Selhurst Park for five and stays on the bench behind him. Le Fée (SUN) missed a penalty. A team can go 4-0 with its striker on minus two. This one did.

The verdict came by 2pm. “im scared i have to face next week,” Mr. Kang. “microcosm of the ai revolution,” Mr. Kang again, fully sincere. Real Manhattan, whose August working paper called this roster an IPL team disaster, has now lost to it.

“Wow I rlly lost / To Parne / Unless Hornicek saves a pen or sumn / Dang it bro”

— Teddy, Monday, 1:16pm

“Sheeeshhh about to go 4-0 pa”

— Arne, Monday, 1:36pm, to a chat that had stopped replying to him

Shmoney 37—58 Old Lady

Bogle, from the bench, for fifteen: Signore Conta wins one

Old Lady picked up Jayden Bogle (LEE) on Thursday and put him on the bench. Gyökeres (ARS) started, did not play, and the same rule that took two points off the machine handed Nic fifteen: Bogle comes on for a goal, a clean sheet and three bonus. It is the largest automatic substitution in league history and it turned a 43 into a 58, the second-highest score of the week.

The rest was tidy. Saka (ARS) eight with the late penalty at Sunderland, Kluivert (BOU) eight with a goal against Brentford, Pickford (EVE), Van de Ven (TOT) and Rúben (MCI) six apiece with clean sheets. Barcola (LIV) played 71 minutes for three in a goalless draw with Fulham and the staff will not be running the touch count this week. The man Mr. Siddiqui was sure would forget to claim Barcola has now claimed Bogle and Chilwell (CRY) in the same week, and has a win.

Shmoney, second in the table a week ago (“Farn and I really up”), started Henderson (CRY) in goal for zero minutes with Travers (EVE) behind him for zero minutes, the one substitution the rulebook cannot make. Mosquera (ARS) zero. Milenković (NFO) zero. Jackson (AVL) 45 minutes for zero. Gvardiol (MCI) eleven and Haaland (MCI) nine could not cover it. 37, beaten by the eleventh-placed team by 21.

wadeland 45—55 fent folders

Groß scores seventeen at Coventry and the aura files record a loss

Pascal Groß (BHA) is 35 years old and went to Coventry on Sunday to score a penalty, take credit for two assists and three bonus, and post seventeen, the top individual score of the week, for a manager whose first pick made two. Bruno Fernandes (MUN) spent the derby watching United fail to score against ten men and Mbeumo miss from point-blank range, a miss Mr. Hur is still narrating (“That’s literally a sitter / Point blank / Like bro”).

It did not matter. Matheus Nunes (MCI) nine with a clean sheet at Old Trafford, Igor Jesus (NFO) seven for a goal in fifteen minutes at Villa Park, Calafiori (ARS) six. Fifty-five. Rohit is 3-1, third, and no longer needs Bruno to be Bruno.

wadeland had 45, enough to beat six teams this week, and lost. De Cuyper (BHA) eleven, Strand Larsen (CRY) eight with a goal, Van Hecke (TOT) eight. But Hall (NEW) conceded four for zero, and Emersonn (IPS), scorer and assister at Palace, sat on the bench for twelve behind Thiago (BRE), who made one. Mr. Mehrotra did not comment. His last message, eight days ago, was “gotta be precise in the big leagues,” which the staff now reads as prophecy.

“leeds r on sum serious smoke rn”

— Rohit, Monday, 12:48pm, as his opponent’s Newcastle full-back conceded a fourth

Big Michail 59—38 Rayanair

Mr. Kang posts the week’s top score with Foden on minus two

Fifty-nine, the top score of the week, from the man who filed nine waiver claims a fortnight ago. Kostoulas (BHA), whom this desk called buried, scored at Coventry, won the penalty Groß converted, and made ten. João Pedro (CHE) twelve with a goal and assist against Hull. Calvert-Lewin (LEE) ten with a goal and assist. Tavernier (BOU) eight. Kinský (TOT) kept a clean sheet for seven while Leno (FUL) kept one on the bench for nine. Foden (MCI) started the derby and was sent off in the 23rd minute for kicking out at Bruno Fernandes, minus two, and Big Michail scored 59 with ten men.

Mr. Kfir made the pickup of the week and lost anyway. Belloumi (HUL), claimed Sunday for Eze (ARS), scored twice at Stamford Bridge for thirteen (“Can’t believe Kfir actually picked up Belloumi,” Mr. Hur). Bruno Guimarães (ARS) came off the bench at Sunderland and scored for seven. Then: Bijol (LEE) zero minutes, Bouaddi (MCI) zero minutes, Havertz (ARS) one. 38. Rayanair are 0-4, last in points by eighteen, and have started at least two zero-minute players every week of the season. Watkins was finally cut, for Georginio (BHA), who did not play.

“Dang hugh is too stacked”

— Teddy, Sunday, 11:40am

“im scared i have to face next week”

— Hugh, Monday, 1:58pm, about a team that scored twelve fewer points than his

CHunkyJeet FC 38—48 RDunited

I finally won: Schade scores twice and Mr. Siddiqui gets off the mark

Saturday morning, before kickoff: “Will I finally get a win or is ashaanks bumass team gonna pull some bs out of the hat like it usually does.” Then Schade (BRE) scored twice at Bournemouth for fifteen, Jacquet (LIV) nine with a clean sheet, Konsa (ARS) six, promoted from last week’s bench, and Castagne (FUL) six off this week’s bench for the zero-minute Elanga (NEW). Isak (LIV) made two in a 0-0 at Anfield, the version of the Isak Leap nobody previewed. 48. Sunday, 11:31am: “I finally won.”

The aristocrat class had 38 and no answer. Alisson (LIV) nine, Khalaili (CRY) seven with a goal, Branthwaite (EVE) six, then nothing: Mbeumo (MUN) two after the miss, Ødegaard (ARS), Semenyo (MCI) and King (FUL) three each, Andersen (FUL) a zero-minute start with no defender behind him. Mr. Hur, consoling the winner: “Oh yea I guess you gained from Mbeumo blanking that point blank sitter bro.” Raed: “Idec if he scored fantasy wise.” Then: “Same bro.”

“Yo I’m crying every week someone scores more and more points on me / 37 -> 42 -> 52”

— Raed, Tuesday, 12:02pm, before the week he won

A 33—39 YANITED

Four Chelsea players and a Mykolenko: Mr. Dewan wins by six

Mr. Dewan’s week began with a Friday waiver claim (“God mykolenko, what a last minute pick up from me / An old friend from last season”) and Mykolenko (EVE) produced eleven at Spurs. Rogers (CHE) eight with a goal, Palmer (CHE) five, Evanilson (BOU) five. Mr. Siddiqui, Monday: “Bro akash has 4 Chelsea players wtf 😭😭😭 / That’s so devious.” Mr. Dewan: “Blue lives matter.”

The control group made one more manual move, Fernández-Pardo (NEW), who comes on for the zero-minute Nketiah (CRY) for one. Raya (ARS) saved Le Fée’s penalty and made fourteen, while Donnarumma (MCI) kept a clean sheet for seven on the bench, the first time the autopick has been wrong about its own goalkeeper. Mukiele (SUN) zero in ninety. 33. Mr. Hussain last posted “See u in GW4.” It was GW4. He lost.