Three Strikers and You’re Out
IPL Transfer Window Special · 1–3 September 2026 · by IPL Staff Writers
Deadline day, as the broadcast would draw it. Barcola to Liverpool, Enzo to City, Ndiaye to City, and Woltemade to Turin, the one that cost this publication its entire attack.
The Premier League closed its window Tuesday night and the league office closed ours Thursday morning, and in between, twelve managers showed what they are under pressure. One filed nine claims. One filed none. One typed “Welcome to the team, Bradley Barcola” on Monday and watched him sign elsewhere on Thursday. One welcomed a striker the app already listed as injured. And the second-place team lost all three of its forwards to Italy and Spain in a single evening: Woltemade to Juventus, Beto to Fiorentina, Gabriel Jesus to Barcelona, a first for this league and, the staff suspects, any other. So here are the winners and losers of deadline week, one to twelve, with an independent scout grading alongside the desk. The two disagree about the champion by seven places. That is printed in full.
No. 1 of 12 · Old Lady · Nic · 0-0-2 · waiver pick #1
Signore Conta loses twice, honestly, and is paid in Barcola
The Tank Bowl, you will recall, was contested by Mr. Hur and Mr. Siddiqui, who spent a week negotiating their own defeats in public for the right to Bradley Barcola. Mr. Conta entered no such negotiation. He tried to win both weeks, lost both, played Gyökeres (ARS) for zero minutes twice, and on Monday evening was last in the table, first in the waiver order, and holding the only thing anyone wanted. Mr. Dewan saw it first: “Omg hahaha I just realized raed aint even getting barcola.” Then: “Nicolino snag barcola.” Mr. Siddiqui’s hope: “Good thing w nic is / He won’t remember to get him.” He remembered.
Barcola is £123 million of winger, the second-largest fee in Liverpool’s history, and Iraola did not buy him to rotate, though three training sessions may mean a bench debut at Portman Road. He lands, for free, on a team that finished seventh last season and started this one 0-2. Mr. Conta’s welcome: “Benvenuto, Bradley / Our team looks like juve this year, but with you we turn it around.” Juventus have not turned anything around since 2020, and Italy have missed three straight World Cups. But Old Lady have Barcola, Saka (ARS) and Gakpo (LIV) on one wing rotation, and Nic did it without tanking, without apologising, and without clicking on a single article.
Old Lady — Grade: A+ · won the Tank Bowl without entering it. the belt, somehow, is his
The scout — Grade: A+ · ranks them 1th · Last place, first pick, £123m Liverpool winger. Rashford out, Barcola in; the only truly unarguable move of the week.
“Come to papi”
— Nic, Monday, 7:59pm, replying to the Barcola news with an attachment
“Damn chat am I asss this year / Nico open mic / Ima do it in Italian / Vaffanculo”
— Nic, Monday, 8:01pm, two minutes later
No. 2 of 12 · YANITED · Akash · 0-1-1 · waiver pick #5
Willkommen, Leon: Mr. Dewan sells the injury before it is announced
Mr. Dewan filed four claims. Barcola, denied, like everyone’s. Then Leon Goretzka, arriving at Villa on a free from Bayern, for Amad (MUN), whom the app lists as injured with no return date and zero minutes, and whom Villa were chasing on deadline day. That is the whole trick of a waiver week: sell what is about to be bad, buy what is about to start. Goretzka is 31, plays every minute he is fit, and has scored from midfield for a decade in Munich. The staff cannot find a hole in it.
The fourth was housekeeping with a story. Robert Sánchez (CHE), whom Akash started for zero minutes in the 43-43 draw, was sold to Como (Mr. Hur: “Wow Sanchez to Como / Hope bro does well there”). In came Kjell Scherpen (IPS), a 6-foot-8 Dutchman signed to be Ipswich’s number one, who will face a great many shots, which in this scoring system is a feature. YANITED remain 0-1-1, tied with A on 87, a fact Mr. Hussain marked with the coldest message of the week: “Damn both at 87 points too. See u in GW4.”
YANITED — Grade: A− · sold Amad the week he got hurt. that is the job
The scout — Grade: B · ranks them 6th · Sold Amad the week he got hurt and bought Onana's replacement for free. Scherpen is a roster filler, not a plan.
“Leon Goretzka, Willkommen”
— Akash, Thursday, 1:13pm
No. 3 of 12 · fent folders · Rohit · 2-0-0 · waiver pick #12
First place, still churning: Mr. Chawla buys the Villa winger everyone else wanted
Seventy-seven moves last season, points leader of everything, champion of nothing. Mr. Chawla is 2-0 with 115 points and still spent his week on Ibrahim Mbaye, the 18-year-old PSG winger Villa bought for £47 million to fill the right side of a post-Watkins attack. Mr. Hussain also filed for Mbaye, from four spots higher in the order, and lost him to the man who filed first. The player cut was Mathys Tel (TOT), who has scored for Tottenham as often as Tottenham have scored this season, which is zero.
Rohit also lost claims for Dedić and Grealish, so he was working the whole board, and spent the window as the chat’s designated realist: “shoot is city cooking?”, “oh and enzo here we go / 125 Ms bruh”, “wow champions league starts next week / bless.” He faces the champion this weekend with Bruno (MUN), Groß (BHA), Calafiori (ARS) and a £47 million teenager. The Vegas luck is not the thing to worry about.
fent folders — Grade: A− · one claim, the right one, from first place. this is what 77 moves looks like when it is disciplined
The scout — Grade: A- · ranks them 3th · The leader swapped a Spurs bench player for Villa's €55m No. 19. Emery bought Mbaye to start on the right.
“shit always happens when waivers r being processed”
— Rohit, Thursday, 10:42am, as the app logged out half the league
No. 4 of 12 · A · Ahmed · 0-1-1 · waiver pick #4
The control group makes its first manual input, and it is Grealish
Fifteen autopicks at the draft. Two draws in two weeks. And now, from the Kawhi Leonard of our league, a transaction a human being visibly thought about: Jack Grealish (EVE), back at Everton on loan, for Brenden Aaronson (LEE). Grealish’s last spell at Everton produced an August Player of the Month award before injury ended it, and with Ndiaye sold and Balogun’s medical failed, he is Everton’s entire creative department. Mr. Hussain also filed for Barcola and Mbaye, lost both to the order, and landed the one he could. The full-auto experiment now has a fingerprint on it.
The cloud is Jurriën Timber (ARS), groin, no date. Ahmed’s response to the whole week was one message, to the man he tied with: “Damn both at 87 points too. See u in GW4.” The staff has read it eleven times and is still unsure whether it was a joke.
A — Grade: B+ · one move, one starter. the control group is cooking, quietly
The scout — Grade: A · ranks them 2th · Paid Aaronson money for a former Player of the Month who is Everton's entire creative output. Timber's groin is the only cloud.
No. 5 of 12 · Hookah Doncic · Arne · 2-0-0 · waiver pick #11
All the rejected strikers: the machine restocks an attack that left the country
The group project, assembled by an algorithm at 11:57pm on draft night, scored five points in two weeks and on Monday evening disbanded. Woltemade to Juventus. Beto to Fiorentina. Gabriel Jesus to Barcelona. A manager typing “betting it all on beto now” roughly ninety seconds before Beto was also gone. Mr. Hur had spent the afternoon offering “McBurnie for Thiaw” to a man with “no strikers tho,” and was proven right in a way he did not intend. Mr. Siddiqui offered Delap (NFO) because “he’s buns but he’s gonna play almost every game,” the most honest trade pitch in league history, declined for that reason.
Six claims went in Wednesday. Kostoulas (BHA) went to Mr. Kang, two spots higher. The next three cleared: Taiwo Awoniyi (COV), ninety minutes and 0.93 expected goals in GW2; Chuba Akpom (IPS), who scored against United and whose own local press expects nothing of him; and Promise David (BHA), 6-foot-5, 41 goals in 82 for Union Saint-Gilloise, on a loan with an obligation to buy as Welbeck’s replacement. Kostoulas now shares a Brighton striker queue with David and with Georginio, whom the champion cut this same week. The scout calls Akpom “panic.” The staff prefers “depth.” Nobody at the paper will argue the point. Meanwhile the machine’s most ridiculed midfielder, Enzo (MCI), moved to City for £125 million, and Arne asked whether that was good or bad for his stats. Mr. Chawla: “better than him stayin at chels.” Mr. Hur: “Enzo lowkey such a good fit for city 😭😂.” The machine has written it down.
Hookah Doncic — Grade: B · lost three forwards to the continent, replaced all three by Thursday. the ceiling is a Brighton loanee. the floor is Akpom
The scout — Grade: B+ · ranks them 4th · All three forwards left England in one night. Rebuilt with Brighton's new No. 9 and Coventry's £17m striker. Akpom was panic.
“Promise take me to the promise land”
— Arne, Thursday, 11:26am
No. 6 of 12 · Big Michail · Hugh · 1-0-1 · waiver pick #7
Nine claims, two hits, and one of them is behind Promise David
Mr. Kang filed nine waiver claims, the most in the league, and the staff is printing the number because it deserves to be printed. Barcola, denied. Awoniyi, denied, taken by the machine. Dedić, denied twice. Khalaili, denied twice. Diouf for Justin, denied. What cleared was Kostoulas (BHA) for Chris Wood (NFO) and Diouf (BRE) for Ola Aina (NFO). Wood is 34 with 28 minutes and no starts, so the sale was right. Kostoulas is 19 with 105 minutes and now shares a Brighton striker queue with Georginio and a Promise David owned by the team Hugh outbid for him. Diouf cost Brentford roughly £35 million and has yet to start for them.
The sincerity beat: Hugh still holds the season’s highest score (53, GW1), a Kinský (TOT) who started, and a Foden (MCI) who now shares a dressing room with Enzo, Ndiaye, Bouaddi, Cherki, Doku and Semenyo. Big Michail play Old Lady this weekend. Kostoulas versus Barcola, in a sense. The staff knows which card it would rather hold.
Big Michail — Grade: C+ · a nine-claim week that produced one Forest sale and a teenager on Brighton’s bench. il-lustrious effort, ordinary result
The scout — Grade: C- · ranks them 9th · Four failed claims, then bought a teenager who has 106 minutes and now sits behind Brighton's new striker. Motion, not progress.
No. 7 of 12 · RDunited · Raed · 0-0-2 · waiver pick #2
Welcome to the team, Bradley Barcola (retracted)
At 1:38pm Monday, with the Tank Bowl level at forty, Mr. Siddiqui posted: “It’s cool,” “Welcome to the team,” “Bradley barcola.” By 5:22pm he was explaining Rice’s twelfth defensive contribution to this desk (“Go on his team / It’s 42”). By Thursday Barcola was an Old Lady player and Raed’s surviving claim was Timothy Castagne (FUL), 30, for Diogo Dalot (MUN), which the scout calls trading one squad full-back for another. His other target went worse: “I’m fcked / Balo failed his medical,” as Balogun’s Everton move collapsed. Then: “Makes sense now / Cuz they put in a bid for zirkzee.”
And yet. Raed holds Isak (LIV), Šeško (MUN), Delap (NFO) and Elanga (NEW), more Premier League forwards than the second-place team had on Monday night, as he noted himself: “Did someone lose more than me.” Mr. Dewan: “Nic.” The staff thanks Mr. Siddiqui for reviewing last week’s article (“Ai slop”) without reading it (“bro did not click on the article”), and for the standing invitation: “Say the word / Don’t hide behind emojis.” The word is Sunday. He plays Shmoney.
RDunited — Grade: C · typed the welcome before the whistle and the medical before the ink. the Isak Leap remains the whole plan
The scout — Grade: C+ · ranks them 7th · Traded one squad full-back for a 30-year-old squad full-back. Wanted Barcola badly, got Castagne, and it shows.
“I can give u delap, he’s buns but he’s gonna play almost every game”
— Raed, Monday, 7:39pm, opening trade talks with the machine
“This is lwk worse for you / Doku semenyo Foden Cherki ndiaye”
— Raed, Monday, 7:45pm, on Ndiaye to City, to the room
No. 8 of 12 · Shmoney · Shyam · 1-1-0 · waiver pick #9
Shmonsurance lapses: one move, and it was Estêvão out
Four moves all of last season, a record the blog filed under negligent ownership. One this week: Estêvão (CHE), started for zero minutes in the draw with YANITED, cut for Diego Gómez (BHA), a genuine Brighton starter with, per the scout, no ceiling to speak of. Estêvão has seven minutes and no starts this season, which is to say Mr. Kannan sold at the exact bottom of the chart, a week after starting him. The staff, having watched this team tie with four zero-minute starters and still sit fourth, is reluctant to call anything Shyam does a mistake. The scout has no such reluctance.
The roster stays loud: Haaland (MCI), Wirtz (LIV), Mac Allister (LIV), Gvardiol (MCI), a Maddison (TOT) at 75 percent and a Hinshelwood (BHA) at 50. Shyam’s own review of the week: “I was scared I was not gonna catch up to tekka but barely made it to draw.” Tekka is Mr. Dewan. Shmoney play RDunited on Sunday, the two loudest men in the chat, with one working striker between them named Isak.
Shmoney — Grade: C · fourth in the table, one move, sold low. Shmonsurance is a policy, not a plan
The scout — Grade: D+ · ranks them 10th · Sold a fit-again Estêvão at the absolute bottom for a Brighton six. One move, and it was the wrong direction.
No. 9 of 12 · CHunkyJeet FC · Ashaank · 2-0-0 · waiver pick #10
The aristocrat class buys Palace’s record signing and a Fulham reserve
Mr. Jha, 2-0 and third, spent Thursday morning locked out of the app (“Shits happening to me to”) while the league office processed his five claims. Two landed: Anan Khalaili (CRY), Palace’s £21 million record signing, a winger listed as a defender, for Ronald Araújo (LIV); and Josh King (FUL), who has started both of Fulham’s games, for Dango Ouattara (BRE). Grealish and Gómez went to Mr. Hussain and Mr. Kannan, one and two spots above him, which is the precise cost of being 2-0. Nobody feels sorry for the aristocrat class.
The concern is the injury column: Mateta (CRY), hamstring, back 11 October; Osula (NEW), foot, no date. The attack is Mbeumo (MUN), Marmoush (TOT), Semenyo (MCI) and a hope. He plays the machine this weekend, and his most decisive contribution to the window was about a goalkeeper: “Might need to start him over Becker.” Zion Suzuki (AVL), signed on free agency last week. The staff supports this.
CHunkyJeet FC — Grade: C · a record signing at defender and a Fulham starter, with two strikers on the physio table. 2-0 buys patience, not points
The scout — Grade: C · ranks them 8th · Palace's record signing is a fine add. Josh King started 15 games last year. Mateta returns October, Osula unknown.
No. 10 of 12 · Rayanair · Jonathan · 0-0-2 · waiver pick #3
Boarding group Saudi: Watkins keeps his seat, Bouaddi takes the bench
Mr. Kfir took Ollie Watkins thirteenth overall with Saudi personal terms already agreed, and this week Watkins completed his £50 million move to Al-Hilal, at which point the app changed his status to “Has joined Al Hilal permanently” and Rayanair changed nothing. He is still on the roster, scoring zero in perpetuity. The one claim that cleared was Ayyoub Bouaddi (MCI), 18, bought from Lille for north of £80 million, for Callum Hudson-Odoi (NFO), and the verdict arrived within hours from Mr. Siddiqui: “Sucks Bouaddi sent to the bench / Also Nico midfield shift is over.” City’s midfield holds Enzo, Elliot Anderson and Rodri. Bouaddi may not start a league game until Christmas.
Kostoulas and Gómez both went two spots above him. In fairness, the GW2 week low of 32 came with Richarlison (TOT), Senesi (TOT) and Palestra (CHE) at zero minutes, and Bruno Guimarães (ARS), Eze (ARS), Havertz (ARS) and White (ARS) is a fine roster with a Saudi-shaped hole in it. The checked bag is still on the carousel.
Rayanair — Grade: D+ · 0-2, one claim cleared, and it went straight to the City bench. the Watkins seat is still occupied
The scout — Grade: D · ranks them 11th · Spent the week on an 18-year-old behind Enzo Fernández while Watkins sat in Riyadh occupying a roster spot. Nothing was fixed.
No. 11 of 12 · wadeland · Arush · 1-1-0 · waiver pick #8
Here we don’t go: the aura files record zero claims
Eight moves all of last season, second place, and a legend built on the principle that a roster you never touch cannot betray you. This week Mr. Mehrotra touched nothing. No claims, no free agents, no lineup save in GW2 (“didn’t press the ducking save button”), and the only transfer involving a wadeland player was conducted by Manchester City, who bought Iliman Ndiaye from Everton for £65 million while Arush typed “damn ndiaye to city here we go.” Mr. Siddiqui: “This is lwk worse for you.” Arush: “ya it’s fried / also why i don’t want sarr to move.” Sarr (CRY) did not move. He is out with a groin injury, no date, and has started at zero minutes for wadeland two weeks running.
The floor is real: Cunha (MUN), Tielemans (MUN), De Cuyper (BHA) and the staple of the franchise, Lewis Hall (NEW). But the scout gave the week an F and the desk cannot get above a D, because in the biggest window of the season, with a striker on the physio table, the aura files record no activity. They play YANITED, who filed four claims and landed two. Aura versus effort. The staff has seen this movie, which is why Arush is eleventh and not twelfth.
wadeland — Grade: D · no claims, one injured striker, one winger sold to a nine-man rotation. the aura remains sealed and so, apparently, does the app
The scout — Grade: F · ranks them 12th · Did not file a single claim during the biggest week of the season. Sarr is out. Silence is a decision.
“damn ndiaye to city here we go”
— Arush, Monday, 7:40pm, on his own player
No. 12 of 12 · Real Manhattan · Teddy · 1-0-1 · waiver pick #6
Brian Madjo, welcome to Real Manhattan (see physio)
The champion filed eight claims, and the staff will be fair about the best of them: selling Saliba (ARS), whose back Arsenal now call an extended absence, before the market caught up, and replacing him with Amar Dedić (NEW), Newcastle’s £29.5 million replacement for Trippier, is the sharpest defensive move of the week. The scout ranks Real Manhattan fifth on that basis. The desk ranks them twelfth on everything after it. Sven Botman (NEW) came in for Saliba on Thursday morning and was cut for Ian Maatsen (AVL) on free agency by Thursday afternoon, a tenure the league office measured in hours. Madjo (AVL), the 17-year-old striker Teddy welcomed at 1:07pm (“Brian Madjo, welcome to Real Manhattan.”), is listed by the app as injured, unknown return. Doku (MCI) is out with a calf. Georginio (BHA), who started up front for Brighton this season, was cut for a striker who cannot play. Five claims failed. The champion is 1-1, seventh, with a forward he cannot start and a defender he owned for a working day.
It is the most Real Manhattan week imaginable: the most moves, the most correspondence, and a cabinet no closer. Teddy diagnosed Arne’s attack (“You’ve got no strikers tho”), offered a trade (“I’d consider giving you McBurnie for Thiaw”), captioned the waiver haul (“All the rejected strikers 💀💀”), eyed a dropped full-back (“Wow Robinson got dropped / Should I just snag bro”), and by Thursday evening had moved on: “Cherks bouta tear up Coventry.” He may. Cherki (MCI) is the one thing this week did not touch. But a manager who spent last week apologising for winning has spent this one welcoming a striker the physio has not released, and the committee, which he put seventh in his own preview, has run out of appeals.
Real Manhattan — Grade: D− · sold Saliba’s back at the top, then bought Madjo’s at the bottom. Botman’s Real Manhattan career: one working day
The scout — Grade: B · ranks them 5th · Sold Saliba's back before the market did and landed a £29.5m Newcastle right-back. Then spent a claim on an injured 17-year-old.
“Brian Madjo, welcome to Real Manhattan.”
— Teddy, Thursday, 1:07pm. The app’s injury note was already live
“Will Parcola register in the PL app by Friday?”
— Teddy, Tuesday, 3:24am, from a dorm in Washington
The ledger
| Team | In | Out | Via |
|---|---|---|---|
| Real ManhattanTeddy | Dedić (NEW) | Diomande (NFO) | waiver |
| Real ManhattanTeddy | Madjo (AVL) | Georginio (BHA) | waiver |
| Real ManhattanTeddy | Botman (NEW) | Saliba (ARS) | waiver |
| Real ManhattanTeddy | Maatsen (AVL) | Botman (NEW) | free agent |
| RDunitedRaed | Castagne (FUL) | Dalot (MUN) | waiver |
| Hookah DoncicArne | Awoniyi (COV) | Beto (EVE) | waiver |
| Hookah DoncicArne | Akpom (IPS) | G.Jesus (ARS) | waiver |
| Hookah DoncicArne | David (BHA) | Woltemade (NEW) | waiver |
| CHunkyJeet FCAshaank | Khalaili (CRY) | Araujo (LIV) | waiver |
| CHunkyJeet FCAshaank | King (FUL) | O.Dango (BRE) | waiver |
| ShmoneyShyam | Gomez (BHA) | Estêvão (CHE) | waiver |
| Big MichailHugh | Kostoulas (BHA) | Wood (NFO) | waiver |
| Big MichailHugh | Diouf (BRE) | Aina (NFO) | waiver |
| AAhmed | Grealish (EVE) | Aaronson (LEE) | waiver |
| fent foldersRohit | Mbaye (AVL) | Tel (TOT) | waiver |
| YANITEDAkash | Goretzka (AVL) | Amad (MUN) | waiver |
| YANITEDAkash | Scherpen (IPS) | Sánchez (CHE) | waiver |
| RayanairJonathan | Bouaddi (MCI) | Hudson-Odoi (NFO) | waiver |
| Old LadyNic | Barcola (LIV) | Rashford (MUN) | waiver |
Nineteen accepted transactions, eighteen by waiver and one on free agency, processed Thursday 3 September at 10:30am Pacific. Barcola drew five claims (Old Lady, YANITED, RDunited, A, Big Michail); one cleared. Denied claims are not listed because the staff is kind. Newly registered deadline-day signings (Fernández-Pardo at Newcastle, Flemming at Ipswich) are locked until the GW4 waiver window, per the league rules, so nobody can free-agent them this week, including the people who have already tried.