Dear Ra’ed, I Have Deeply Wronged You

The table, two weeks old

Ranked by league points, then points scored. The committee draws attention to rows eight and nine: Ahmed and Akash have identical records and identical points, 87 apiece, which means a fully automated roster and the owner who cares more than anyone else in the league are, after two weeks, statistically the same team. Old Lady holds the first waiver pick by virtue of finishing twelfth, and the two managers who spent a week trying to finish twelfth finished seventh and eleventh.

Real Manhattan 42—40 RDunited

The Tank Bowl is won by the man who tried hardest to lose it

The preview called this a budding rivalry. On Wednesday, with Bradley Barcola’s move to Liverpool in the air and the first waiver pick going to whoever sits last, the two 0-1 managers began negotiating their own defeat in public. Mr. Hur: “I lowkey might tank for bro.” Mr. Siddiqui: “Lowkey hope I lose.” Mr. Hur, escalating: “Lose to me papi.” Mr. Jha, the only adult in the room: “It’s lowkey hard to tank.” By Friday Raed had settled on “Losing means I get barcs,” and by Saturday, with Elanga (NEW) scoring for RDunited and Horníček (NEW) keeping a clean sheet for Real Manhattan in the same match, the champion posted a formal apology to the chat: “Dear Ra’ed, I have deeply wronged you. I beg for your forgiveness. Sincerely, Teddy.” Mr. Jha’s diagnosis: “I think he blames u for the anonymous blog writers post.”

The football then delivered the purest possible verdict. Cherki (MCI) scored twice at Selhurst Park for fourteen; Schade (BRE), Isak (LIV) and Muñoz (LIV), scorer of Liverpool’s equaliser against Forest, answered for RDunited; and going into Monday night the two sat level at forty. Then Declan Rice (ARS), a defensive midfielder Mr. Hur was mocked for taking with the first pick of the entire draft, went to Villa Park and made twelve defensive contributions in 84 minutes: one clearance, seven recoveries, three tackles, and a twelfth that the league office added to the ledger after full time. Twelve is the midfield threshold. Two points. Real Manhattan 42, RDunited 40. The champion tried to lose, won on a tackle count, and the loser typed “lol I lost” and “Welcome to the team Bradley barcola” before the whistle, at which point the league office regrets to inform him that the first waiver pick goes to the bottom of the table, and the bottom of the table is not Raed. It is Old Lady, 0-2, who tried to win both weeks and failed honestly. The Tank Bowl was decided by a Bruin who did not enter it.

“Holy shit I wanna whoop teddy so bad”

— Raed, Saturday, 11:27am

“Barcola, welcome to Real Manhattan”

— Teddy, Sunday, 6:44am, before Declan Rice made a twelfth tackle

Big Michail 39—65 fent folders

Mr. Chawla’s first overall pick files his rebuttal: 23 points

Last week this desk devoted a paragraph to Bruno Fernandes (MUN), first overall pick, producing two points at Hull. Mr. Chawla read it. On Sunday Bruno scored three against Ipswich, assisted a fourth, and collected 23, the highest single-player total of the season, in a 5-2 win that also paid Cunha (MUN) nine to wadeland and Mbeumo (MUN) eleven to CHunkyJeet. Rohit’s reaction, in full: “mwahahahaha.” Groß (BHA) added thirteen in the Chelsea shootout, Calafiori (ARS) eleven on Monday, and the whole thing came to 65, the week’s top score by sixteen and a total that beats every score anyone has posted this season. Even the Vegas luck is back: Matheus Nunes (MCI) did not play, so the machinery slotted Hill (BOU) in for four more. Two weeks, 115 points, first place. “No gaping holes,” said the preview. Confirmed.

Mr. Kang, meanwhile, discovered what 39 buys you against 65: a spot in the standings five places below where the preview put him. Foden (MCI) supplied nine and João Pedro (CHE) nine more (a goal, an assist, and an own goal, a full afternoon’s work at both ends), but the Sangaré-Tavernier duo that “blasted off” for 25 last week returned five combined, and Kinský (TOT) conceded twice to Newcastle for a single point. Akash, watching Foden at Selhurst Park, filed the scouting report of the weekend: “Phil foden’s ability, being a true technical master of the game, to become genuienly inept when he has a clear chance in the box needs to be studied.” The staff has forwarded it to Manchester.

“RC is reveling in this”

— Teddy

“Bro thought he was Beckham 💀”

— Teddy, on the third goal

Hookah Doncic 49—34 Old Lady

The machine goes 2-0 against the preview’s bottom two, and Mr. Noori cheers a benching

Let the record show how Hookah Doncic reached 49, because the manager could not tell you. Tarkowski (EVE) scored at Bournemouth for twelve, Gabriel (ARS) kept a clean sheet for eight, Thiaw (NEW) six: the wall did its job again. Woltemade (NEW) came off the bench at Spurs, assisted Wissa, and made four, which is four more than the group project managed all of last week. Then the part Mr. Noori actually celebrated. Enzo Fernández (CHE), the one romantic pick on a roster otherwise assembled by software, was left out of Xabi Alonso’s squad for the second consecutive week, with Manchester City circling before Tuesday’s deadline, and his owner’s response on Sunday morning was “Lfgggg Enzo got no minute s.” He was cheering. Zero minutes meant the rulebook sent on Scott (BOU) for twelve, and the machine’s only human decision was thereby overruled by the machine. Mr. Siddiqui’s explanation for the benching, “politics,” is somehow worse than an injury. Tzolakis (HUL) then kept a clean sheet at Coventry for ten on the bench behind Verbruggen (BHA), who conceded four at Stamford Bridge for zero. “As many points on the bench than on my roster I’m fried pa-cito,” wrote the manager. He won by fifteen. Gabriel Jesus (ARS), one third of the group project, is meanwhile bound for Barcelona for roughly €10m, which leaves the project with two members and nineteen minutes between them.

Which brings us to Signore Conta. Italy lost a World Cup playoff final on penalties in Sarajevo in April, missed a third straight tournament, and the diaspora has now scored 34 in consecutive weeks, an admirable consistency in the wrong direction. Saka (ARS) scored the winner at Villa Park for eleven and Neto (CHE) added seven, but Gyökeres (ARS) was an unused substitute for the second Monday running, Muñoz (CRY) did not play, Aït-Nouri (MCI) did not play, and the bench (Kepa, Van de Ven, O’Brien, Muniz) contributed a combined zero for the second consecutive Sunday, a streak that now has a shape. Old Lady is 0-2, twelfth, and last in points, which under the league’s waiver rules makes Nic the proud owner of the first pick in Thursday’s processing. He did not tank for it. He did not campaign for it. He simply lost to the machine and to Mr. Jha in consecutive weeks, and for that he may be rewarded with a Frenchman, assuming Liverpool announce the man and the league office adds him to the pool before Thursday. Nonna has been informed and has opinions.

“Yo before ppl clown me / Parne is legit”

— Raed, Saturday

“Yo why Hull City so good bruh 💀”

— Arne, owner of one Hull goalkeeper, benched

Shmoney 43—43 YANITEDdraw

Mr. Dewan wins 41-38 on the pitch, draws 43-43 in the rulebook

This one gets the full three-hour treatment, with an interval. Act one, the hero rises. Wissa (NEW) scores at Spurs, Ballard (SUN) keeps a clean sheet for eight, Palmer (CHE) adds seven, Isidor (SUN) comes off the bench and scores eight in 26 minutes, and by Sunday evening YANITED’s eleven stands on 41 to Shmoney’s 38. The family is proud. The music swells. Interval. Act two, the villain reveals that four of his starters never existed: Travers (EVE), Estêvão (CHE), Maddison (TOT) with a fractured shoulder, and Hinshelwood (BHA), hero of week one, injured in training. Not one minute between them. Four donuts in a starting eleven, and in any honest film this is where the villain loses. Instead the rulebook, the most corrupt official in cinema, walks Henderson (CRY), Jackson (AVL) and Mac Allister (LIV) in from the bench for five points, and Shmoney climbs to 43. Act three, the courtroom. Mr. Dewan, who started Sánchez (CHE) the week Chelsea dropped him for Emiliano Martínez’s debut, produces a surprise witness of his own: Martínez (CHE), from his own bench, for two. Forty-three each. No winner, no wedding, and the credits roll over a tie while Akash narrates his own ending on Monday afternoon: “I think we’re tied with his auto subs.” He was right, which is the YANITED way: correct analysis, no points. Picture abhi baaki hai.

Shyam therefore remains unbeaten in his professional career, 1-0-1, sitting fourth, with Haaland (MCI) scoring twice at Palace for thirteen and the Forest defensive triad (Williams, Milenković, Murillo) returning ten between them in a 2-2 at Anfield. The preview asked whether Shmonsurance covers lost hair powers. The staff can report that it apparently covers everything: a manager can start four players who do not play and leave with a point. Ashaank’s assessment stands: “Shmonkey is dangerous.”

“Idk what to do for hinshelwood”

— Shyam, Friday, a full day before kickoff

“Is Yanited lowkey tuff this year💀”

— Teddy

A 41—41 wadelanddraw

Mr. Mehrotra forgets to press save, ties the control group anyway

The De Cuyper file has a second entry. On Friday, with Palace-City already underway, Mr. Mehrotra posted “i forgot to save my lineup” and then, more precisely, “didn’t press the ducking save button.” The unsaved lineup once again had De Cuyper (BHA) on the bench and Sarr (CRY) in the eleven, and Sarr once again did not play a minute. In week one the machinery rescued him with Emersonn. In week two it rescued him with Emersonn (IPS) again, for one point, and one point was exactly the margin between a 40-41 defeat and a 41-41 draw. Hall (NEW) made eleven at Spurs (“the staple of Wadeland FC,” per the owner, from a flight), Cunha (MUN) nine at Old Trafford. Two weeks, two unsaved lineups, zero losses. The aura files have been moved to a vault.

Across the table, A produced 41 with no human on the premises. Mukiele (SUN) collected nine in Sunderland’s 1-0 over Fulham, Raya (ARS) six with a clean sheet at Villa Park, Xhaka (SUN) six. Donnarumma (MCI) sat on the auto-bench again, this time with an own goal and a zero, so for once the bench was correct. The control group is 0-1-1 on 87 points, level with YANITED and ahead of two of the three unbeaten teams. The staff continues to find this offensive on behalf of everyone who checks the app.

“claude telling me that hall was fotmob player of the match”

— Arush, consulting the enemy

CHunkyJeet FC 45—32 Rayanair

Mr. Jha joins the aristocracy; Mr. Kfir’s cabin loses pressure

The preview promoted Mr. Jha to the aristocrat class after one week, and CHunkyJeet FC spent the second acting like it belongs there. Mbeumo (MUN) scored and assisted against Ipswich for eleven, a snipe the machine has still written down; Egan (HUL) kept a clean sheet at Coventry for nine; Lewis-Potter (BRE) and Semenyo (MCI) added six and five. Forty-five won by thirteen, and Ashaank is 2-0 and third in the table. The one open question is in goal, where Alisson (LIV) conceded twice to Forest for nothing while Suzuki (AVL) sat on the bench. “Might need to start him over Becker,” Mr. Jha mused on Monday. The committee notes this is the exact sentence a manager types one week before benching a keeper who then keeps a clean sheet.

Rayanair, boarding group Grief, is 0-2 with the lowest score of the week. Gibbs-White (NFO) produced thirteen at Anfield and White (ARS) seven on Monday, and the rest of the manifest reads like a departures board during a strike: Richarlison (TOT), who has asked Spurs for a move, Senesi (TOT) and Palestra (CHE) all started and none of them played; Hudson-Odoi (NFO) managed one minute; Maguire (MUN) came on by administrative action for four. Watkins (AVL), the second-round pick, has completed his £51.7m move to Al-Hilal, so seat 13A is now permanently reclined and empty. The preview asked where Rayan is on this team. The staff can confirm Rayan is not the problem.

“Damn who had Watkins”

— Ashaank, Wednesday, knowing full well

“Rodri flying RayanAir”

— Teddy, sharing a video the staff has not watched