The Jordan Rules

The table, five weeks old

Ranked by league points, then points scored. Scores include simulated auto-substitutions (RDunited, Shmoney, Big Michail, YANITED, Rayanair, Old Lady) because the league office had not processed the gameweek at press time. Last week’s six simulated scores all matched the official finals. The app showed fent folders on 70 for most of Sunday; a defensive contribution was removed from Matheus Nunes after full time and the live feed now gives 68, which is what the staff has printed. Bonus and defensive contributions were re-pulled after the final whistle at Craven Cottage. If the office revises anything, the correction runs here.

Hookah Doncic 59—45 Big Michail

D.R.E.A.M.: Defenders Rule Everything Around Me

Mr. Kang spent Monday saying he was scared. On Friday he found out, after the deadline, that João Pedro (CHE) was injured and Sangaré (BRE) was on the bench: “jp out sangare bench.” One minute later: “man i thought i could break arnes run.” He could not.

Hookah Doncic won it the only way it knows. Tarkowski (EVE) made fourteen from a clean sheet and a volley that went in off a teammate. Verbruggen (BHA) kept a clean sheet against Arsenal while Gabriel (ARS), same roster, conceded three at the other end. The goalkeeper and five defenders made 40 of the 59.

The forwards made zero. Flemming (IPS) played nine minutes and got booked, and the week’s signing was Hugo Ekitiké (LIV), who ruptured his Achilles in April and might play in January. Mr. Siddiqui: “Bro gonna hold him for 5 months.” Correct.

“wow these greek wonderkids are taking over the league”

— Hugh, Saturday, 4:15pm, after Tzolakis (HUL) saved a penalty on his opponent’s bench

Rayanair 25—68 fent folders

It’s like a new guy every week: Mr. Chawla scores 68

Brian Brobbey (SUN) scored a hat-trick at the Etihad and lost 5-3, which is the most fent folders thing that has ever happened. Groß (BHA) scored and assisted against the champions. Maitland-Niles (EVE), claimed Thursday, delivered on day one. Bruno Fernandes (MUN), the first pick in the draft, made two and nobody noticed.

Mr. Siddiqui: “RC team is so odd / Because it’s not even a consistent guy putting up numbers for him / It’s like a new guy every week.” Mr. Hur saw 70 on the app and called it insanity. It is 68: Matheus Nunes (MCI) had a defensive contribution taken off him after full time. Still the top score of the week.

Mr. Kfir started four players who did not play. The bench covered three, so Rayanair finished with ten men. That is five weeks out of five with at least two no-shows. On Tuesday he reviewed Tottenham: “can’t win a game if you don’t score.” Tottenham have since scored. Rayanair are 0-5.

“Wowww fax he picked up Maitland Niles and he totally delivered for him dang bro”

— Teddy, Sunday, 12:18pm

RDunited 47—21 A

Rashford DROPPED, Manzambi from the bench for thirteen

Mr. Siddiqui’s week was a United fan’s week. Tuesday: a 15-year-old asked to leave the club. Wednesday: 2-0 up at home to Brighton in the cup, lost 3-2. Thursday, the verdict: “From what I saw yesterday from Rashford / DROPPED.” In came Johan Manzambi (AVL), straight to the bench. Sunday: 26 first-half shots at Fulham without a goal, a Premier League record. “Yo carrick wtf do you do in training???”

Then the rulebook did him a favour. Šeško (MUN) was left out of the squad, and Manzambi came on by auto-sub with a goal and an assist at Spurs. Mr. Hur, Sunday: “Pa’ed really bouta get Manzambi bro.” Raed: “I already have him lol.” Teddy: “Vait WHAT!” Isak (LIV) added the winner at Bournemouth. Two wins in a row.

A scored 21, which ties the lowest score in the league this season. No starter made more than four. Mr. Hussain did not post.

“That’s the issue w having too many players from one team / Made the mistake w United yet again”

— Raed, Friday, 1:59pm, diagnosing Akash and then himself

Old Lady 28—61 wadeland

Mr. Mehrotra’s bench goalkeeper assists a goal against his starting goalkeeper

Arush announced it himself: “who else / my team too tough..” Hall (NEW) scored after seven minutes. Cunha (MUN) played as a nine, which Mr. Siddiqui hated (“Cunha at the 9 again 🫩🫩🫩”), and equalised from 25 yards in the 89th minute.

The best part was on the bench. Rushworth (COV) kept a clean sheet at Forest and launched the long kick Jay DaSilva ran onto for Coventry’s first top-flight win in 25 years. Eleven points, unused. The goalkeeper he beat was Sels (NFO), also wadeland’s, who started.

Old Lady met the other side of the auto-sub. Last week it handed Signore Conta Bogle for fifteen. This week it handed him Gyökeres (ARS): seventeen minutes of a 3-0 defeat, one point.

YANITED 25—34 Real Manhattan

Yan Yan lowkey a bye

Thursday, Mr. Dewan: “I want manhattan’s HEAD this week.” Mr. Hur: “Yan Yan lowkey a bye.” Mr. Dewan: “Buddy I have 20 more points than you.” Then Friday happened to the man who said “Blue lives matter” six days ago. His three Chelsea starters made six between them, and at full time both managers filed: “Akash so fried” and “Wow Chelsea is cooked.”

Mr. Hur won without enjoying it. Fourteen filings this week, Schlager (NFO) welcomed in English, Jair Cunha (NFO) in Portuguese, and the three new signings made three points between them. Ola Aina was claimed and released the same afternoon, joining Botman in the one-day club. On Friday he asked Ajer (BRE) for “two more DCs.” Ajer finished one short. A bye is a bye.

CHunkyJeet FC 55—50 Shmoney

Semenyo seventeen, and Mr. Kannan starts the same three ghosts

The closest game of the week, decided by Semenyo (MCI): two goals and an assist in the 5-3. Mbeumo (MUN) made two, and Mr. Hur’s scouting report stands: “Mbeumo so chopped cheese bro.”

Mr. Kannan started Henderson (CRY), Mosquera (ARS) and Milenković (NFO). None of them played. They are the same three who did not play last week. The difference: on Tuesday he claimed Benítez (CRY), the goalkeeper Palace actually use, so the rulebook finally had someone to send on. The auto-subs gave him nine points and he still lost by five. The Shmonsurance has been renewed. Nobody has read the policy.