Claude Don’t Fail Me Now

The table, one week old

Points were not distributed with any respect for justice, which longtime readers will recognize as this league's founding principle. Ahmed, Akash, and Jonathan combined for 133 and went 0-3. Special mention to Akash, who waited approximately one hour after his own loss went final to post “Raed and Teddy the new bottom feeders lol. What a beautiful sight”, a message that was, on the Teddy half, simply journalism. The staff preserves the Raed half in amber for the week it becomes relevant again.

RDunited 31—37 Hookah Doncic

Mr. Siddiqui loses to a spreadsheet he was actively heckling

Mr. Siddiqui was given one full week to prepare for the most anticipated fixture of the opening round. He spent it posting. “I can’t wait to fck arne and arush claude team” on draft night. “Parne you’re fcked” at Friday lunch, five hours before kickoff, unburdened by information of any kind. By Monday evening, the same manager could be found performing public arithmetic in the chat: six combined points required from Reece James (CHE) and Antonee Robinson (FUL), two defenders, in a fixture that finished 2-3, a scoreline in which defenders are traditionally not compensated. He received one. The machine, which cannot read the chat and has filed no request to learn, won 37-31 and returned to sleep mode.

Now for the part this league is going to have to sit with: the Great Centre-Back Experiment worked. Bart Verbruggen (BHA) kept a clean sheet in Brighton’s 4-0 and led the entire team with six. A goalkeeper topping your scoring chart is an extremely Claude sentence, and this week it was a winning one. The wall behind him supplied seventeen more, which comes to 28 of 37 points from the six defensive players this group spent draft night mourning. The group project (Woltemade (NEW), Beto (EVE), Gabriel Jesus (ARS), assembled at 11:57pm) submitted one point of collective work, and even that arrived by administrative action: Woltemade played zero minutes, so the rulebook itself substituted Beto on for a single point. As with every group project in recorded history, someone else carried the assignment. That someone was five centre-backs. Enzo Fernández (CHE), Mr. Noori’s lone romantic pick, was benched by Xabi Alonso, entered at Craven Cottage to a full stadium booing him through “England, England” chants (a World Cup final red card follows a man around London) and salvaged one point out of what we can only assume was spite.

Mr. Siddiqui’s own ledger reads like an incident report. The Isak Leap leapt for two. Šeško’s bench shift returned one. Pope produced a zero of museum quality. Ezri Konsa (ARS) completed a £55m transfer on Friday morning, and Raed still could not extract a point from him, as Arsenal, reasonably, declined to start a man who arrived with the catering. Anthony Elanga (NEW) and his nine are the only reason this section is not longer. The Raedegation file, sealed with some ceremony in May, has been reopened for review. Losing to Arne’s team was the nightmare; losing to Arne’s team while Arne was on a hike is a wound the blog cannot treat.

wadeland 37—36 Real Manhattan

Mr. Mehrotra benches the week's best player, wins anyway; aura declared immortal

The finest fantasy performance of the gameweek belonged to Maxim De Cuyper (BHA): a goal on eighteen minutes, an assist, a clean sheet, and two bonus for seventeen points in Brighton’s 4-0. He produced every last unit of it from Mr. Mehrotra’s bench, and the timestamps place the benching decision squarely in Mexico City, where De Cuyper kicked off at seven in the morning local time. This is the kind of mistake that ends seasons. Instead, the automatic substitution machinery noticed that Sarr had played zero minutes, reached past De Cuyper’s seventeen, pulled Emersonn and his nine off the same bench, and handed wadeland a 37-36 win over the reigning champion. Mr. Mehrotra benched the best player of the entire gameweek, from a different country, and won. The aura files have been unsealed, reviewed, and reclassified as scripture.

Now for the loser, and it is the reigning champion. Mr. Hur’s starting eleven produced 29 points, and his Monday was a live-broadcast panic about exactly this: Moisés Caicedo (CHE) benched by his club, Jeremy Doku (MCI) already injured, William Saliba (ARS) and his back still on World Cup time, Diomande not starting for his own employer. The substitution machinery did what it could, sending on McBurnie for five and Hume for two, and lifted the champion to 36. It was one short. At the height of the panic Mr. Hur typed “Am I the New Akash?” into the chat, unprompted, and the league office can now certify the answer. Rayan Cherki (MCI), his best performer of the week, spent Sunday assisting both City goals, each finished by a defender owned by a different manager in this league. The champion’s one functioning asset did charity work for other rosters while the champion’s own bench was being drafted into emergency service, and the belt opened the season 0-1.

There is losing, and there is losing by one to a man who left the weekend’s best defensive performance in street clothes in a different hemisphere. Teddy defended his title for four days. The committee has requested the belt be returned in its original packaging.

“Arush benching De Cuyper saved my behind.”

— Teddy, before the substitutions processed. It did not.

“ya i’m fried”

— Arush, whose team was at that moment un-frying itself

“Chat am I cooked?”

— Teddy, mid-panic

“Has league champ descended straight to Pattom feeder in week 1?”

— Teddy, asking a question the scoreboard has since answered

Rayanair 43—47 Shmoney

Five days ago this league held a vote on letting Mr. Kannan in the door

Let the record reflect that five days before kickoff, this league was conducting an open floor vote on whether Mr. Kannan should be permitted through the door. “Wait why are we letting shmon in” is a real message that exists in the minutes. Shyam then opened the campaign with 47 points, the third-best winning score of the round, powered by Jack Hinshelwood (BHA) scoring twice in seventy-nine seconds, a sequence violent enough that the reigning champion typed “Is shmoney goated?” into the chat in earnest. The committee is not prepared to answer that question at this time. The committee notes, for the record, that it was asked.

An apology is also owed, and the IPL Staff pays its debts in print. The preseason issue described Gvardiol at pick 26 as “a City defender who no longer starts for City.” On Sunday, Joško Gvardiol (MCI) scored City’s stoppage-time winner for nine points. The blunder is withdrawn on appeal in full. The committee regrets the error. The committee regrets nothing about the joke, which was excellent at the time of filing.

Across the aisle sits Rayanair, boarding group Grief. Mr. Kfir posted 43, a total that defeats six teams, none of whom appeared on the itinerary. Even the substitution machinery pitched in, sending on Havertz for six after Palestra failed to appear, and it still wasn't enough. Ben White (ARS) supplied eleven and Bijol (LEE) ten, honest work all around. But Bruno Guimarães, an Arsenal player now at £75m, issued a groin update in lieu of points, and Watkins remains fully reclined in seat 13A with nothing to declare. This franchise lost in precisely this fashion for thirty-eight consecutive gameweeks under the name Son Doku, and per an impressive statistical model once released by this very staff, was the unluckiest team in the league while doing it. New livery. Same landing, short of the same runway. The passengers have begun writing letters.

YANITED 44—53 Big Michail

Mr. Kang drops the week's high score; Mr. Dewan invents the good loss

Fifty-three. The preseason issue surveyed this roster and wrote that João Pedro deserved better than his supporting cast. The supporting cast, evidently, has access to the blog. M. Sangaré (BRE) delivered fourteen while Brentford dismantled Spurs 3-0, Tavernier (BOU) added ten, and João Pedro (CHE) himself scored Chelsea’s opener thirty-five seconds into Monday’s match in the manner of a man closing an argument. Even Kinský (554th on a 600-man draft board, a keeper this league famously required a search engine for) started an actual Premier League fixture and collected two entirely legitimate points. Mr. Kang added one letter to the team name this summer, and the evidence suggests it was the missing one. It should further be noted that all fifty-three points were administered from Mexico City, between tacos, on a trip the staff was not invited to and is fine about. That makes it the single best week any manager has ever posted in this league, filed from abroad. Whatever unreleased build of Gemini he consulted this week, the staff would like access.

Mr. Dewan, meanwhile, has pioneered something genuinely new for the franchise: the good YANITED loss. Cole Palmer (CHE) produced the sequence of the weekend: a nutmeg finish through Leno plus the assist on João Pedro’s opener, thirteen points. Morgan Rogers (CHE) added eight, and Dewsbury-Hall (EVE)’s eleven extracted a public retraction from the reigning champion, which ought to be worth bonus points and is not. Forty-four defeats seven teams this week; the fixture list handed him one of the four it could not. Last season’s eighth-place finish was a results problem. This is something crueler, and it has more aura. An owner who cares more than anyone else deserved better than the schedule’s sense of humor.

“Hugh is putting up big boy points rn”

— Akash, accepting fate in real time

“Doods go to CDMX once and just spawn in w button up shirts w 2 buttons open”

— Raed

“Akash dewberry hall draft not bad dang I was clowning bro”

— Teddy

fent folders 50—46 A

Mr. Chawla survives a team with no manager

Mr. Chawla opened his campaign with 50 and required nearly every unit of it, because the control group does not miss — it has never been shown how. The good news arrived from Leeds, of all employers: Trafford (LEE), drafted 144th “for reasons known only to God,” kept a clean sheet at Forest for nine points, and Stach (LEE) dropped thirteen in the same fixture. God’s reasons are becoming clearer by the hour. The bad news arrived at the very top of the card. Bruno Fernandes (MUN), first overall selection of the entire draft, produced two points while Manchester United lost 2-0 at Hull, a promoted side whose goals came from Semi Ajayi and Nobel Mendy, one of whom this publication also had to look up. Rashford was summoned at half-time for his first United appearance in 618 days, and it was somehow not the saddest statistic of the afternoon. Mr. Chawla’s own Leeds contingent outscored his number one pick 22 to 2. Whatever luck was imported from Las Vegas last spring has evidently cleared customs.

Across the table, A posted 46 with no observed human involvement, because Ahmed remains the Kawhi Leonard of our league — silent for weeks, devastating on arrival, load-managed by choice. Guéhi (MCI) headed in Cherki’s corner for ten, Xhaka ground out nine in the manner of a man paid by the tackle, Szoboszlai (LIV) added eight. The roster even staged a private goalkeeping controversy, with Donnarumma (MCI), City’s actual first choice, collecting three on Ahmed’s bench while Raya (ARS) started and made six. The robot argued with itself, and both sides were right. Forty-six loses this particular fixture and defeats three winners elsewhere on the card. The control group is 0-1 and cooking. Somewhere, Ahmed is doing something else entirely, and will be along to collect his winnings in May.

“I’ve seen enough, rohit going back to back”

— Arne, saturday, 9:57am, wrong within 48 hours

“Teddy won last year Put some respect on my boy”

— Raed, issuing the correction

Old Lady 34—40 CHunkyJeet FC

Signore Conta's bench scores zero. Not almost zero. Zero.

The least-discussed fixture of the round, which suits both institutions fine. Mr. Jha banked eleven from Martin Ødegaard (ARS) on Friday night. The pick the preseason issue stamped “heat-check certified” is, at present, cashing. He then collected four more from Osula (NEW), whom Newcastle’s new manager started ahead of Woltemade. The same team-news bulletin that zeroed the machine’s striker paid Mr. Jha rent, while Raed grieved about it in public (“Osula was a mistake from me”), the second thing Mr. Siddiqui lost this weekend. Branthwaite (EVE) and Collins (BRE) contributed six apiece. The Mbeumo snipe returned two, but a snipe is a long position, and the machine has still written it down.

Signore Conta, meanwhile, lost in the most Old Lady fashion the sport allows. Gakpo (LIV) twelve, Saka (ARS) nine, Pickford (EVE) seven — three players, twenty-eight points, genuine quality throughout. Around them: Gyökeres (ARS), top scorer of the champions of England, contributing nothing on opening night, and a fully staffed four-man bench producing zero collective points. Not approximately zero. Zero. Kepa, Van de Ven, O’Brien, Ekitiké: an entire department at their desks, producing nothing, like a DMV window at 4:58pm. A six-point defeat of immaculate posture. Not even Nonna could have set a worse bench, and Nonna does not have the app. This team will be third in March and no one will be able to explain it; but it is August, and at present the Old Lady is eleventh in points and first in dignity.