How Long Will Arne’s Cinderella Run Last

The table, three weeks old

Ranked by league points, then points scored. Scores include simulated auto-substitutions (Teddy, Shyam, Rohit, Akash, Jonathan, Nic) because the league office had not processed the gameweek at press time; the staff learned in week one what happens when it does not say so. Bonus and defensive contributions were re-pulled after the final whistle at the Emirates and the one-point margins in two fixtures held. If the office revises anything, the correction will run in this space, in this font, with the staff’s pay docked accordingly.

Hookah Doncic 51—50 CHunkyJeet FC

Pookah, chunky close: the machine wins by one with twenty points on the other bench

On Friday at 11:02am Mr. Noori posted “fuhhh I forgot to set my lineup,” which is the kind of thing a man says when he has outsourced his lineup to a Cloudflare Worker and only just remembered. The Worker had not forgotten. It started Tyrick Mitchell (CRY), who scored twice against Fulham for fifteen, the week’s top score by any player in the league; Alex Scott (BOU), who set up both Bournemouth goals at Newcastle for ten; and Enzo Le Fée (SUN), who scored from the spot at Brentford for eight. Three players Mr. Hur’s preview did not mention produced 33 of 51. The rest of the DEFCON wall did its usual accounting: Virgil (LIV) six with a clean sheet, Verbruggen (BHA) three, and Thiaw (NEW) minus one, having put Scott’s cross into his own net. The new attack, freshly assembled from the deadline-day bargain bin, contributed zero: Promise David (BHA) played thirteen minutes, collected a yellow card, and finished on nothing. Tzolakis (HUL) kept a clean sheet against Villa for six and did it, for a third consecutive week, from the bench. Mr. Hur: “Arne got the best GK in the league rn.” Mr. Noori: “yeah but you’ve played all your guys.”

Mr. Jha had 50, and the arithmetic of how he lost by one will be studied at the aristocrat academy. Alisson (LIV) eight, Ødegaard (ARS) ten with a goal and three bonus, Mbeumo (MUN) eight with a goal at Goodison, Semenyo (MCI) six with the assist for Haaland’s 300th career goal. And on the bench: Zion Suzuki (AVL), ten points, clean sheet at Hull, four saves, three bonus; Josh King (FUL), ten points, a goal against Palace. Twenty points sat behind Collins (BRE), who played sixteen minutes for one, and Marmoush (TOT), who played 83 for two in a Spurs side that has not scored in three games. “Might need to start him over Becker,” Ashaank wrote of Suzuki last week. He did not. Sunday afternoon came down to the Emirates, where every Ødegaard touch was a threat to a one-point lead. Mr. Noori at 9:46am: “FUHHH the one thing that I didn’t want happening is happening.” Mr. Hur, thirty seconds later: “Oh Brodegaard?” Ødegaard scored, took three bonus, and did not add the assist the aristocrats needed. The final margin, after bonus, was one. Hookah Doncic are 3-0 and first in the table, a sentence the committee has checked four times and would like to note is being written by the man who finished thirteenth. “Cheekily leading the league in points this week,” Mr. Noori told the chat Saturday morning. Mr. Hur’s reply, in full: “Cheekily😂.” The manager, reached for comment on going 3-0 as the preview’s number ten, declined to speak in his own words and instead read the desk a statement from Drake: “To the rest of you, the non believers, the under achievers, the tweet and deleters, you guys made me sick to my stomach, fam.” The committee has entered it into the record and reminds him the second half of that song is about losing the plot.

“Holy farne is cooking”

— Ashaank, Saturday, 8:50am, before he knew about the bench

“beat Paja daddy by 1 point after bonus 😭”

— Arne, Sunday, 10:27am

“Dang is hookah top of the leagues / League? / Wow / Wow / How long will Arne’s Cinderella run last”

— Teddy, Sunday, 10:56am to 11:17am, the reigning champion, who plays the machine next week

fent folders 21—29 Real Manhattan

The champion steals one from the leader with 29 points and a VAR review

Two weeks ago fent folders posted 65 and this desk called it a rebuttal. This week Mr. Chawla posted 21, the lowest score in the league, and lost to a champion who scored 29 and spent Saturday describing his own roster as “straight garbage 😭.” Bruno Fernandes (MUN) managed two at Goodison. Groß (BHA) one. Igor Jesus (NFO) one in 31 minutes. Calafiori (ARS) two, with a goal disallowed for Konsa standing offside in front of him, a decision that swung this fixture by six points in real time. Mr. Hur watched it happen: “NOOOOOOOO / bro this guy / Oh VAR pls save me / YESSSS / What an emotional roller coaster.” Mr. Mehrotra, earlier, on the pair of them: “teddy really about to end the week sub 20.” Mr. Hur: “RC might too.” Only one of them was right, and the flag saved the other.

Real Manhattan’s 29 came from Maatsen (AVL), seven with a clean sheet at Hull and a bonus point, Rice (ARS) five with the assist for Havertz, and a supporting cast of ones and twos. Doku (MCI) did not play, so the league office will slot McBurnie (HUL) in for two, and McBurnie has now played 180 minutes for Real Manhattan and produced four points. “This guy McBurnie stinks,” Teddy wrote, then offered him to Arne for Thiaw a second time. Elliot Anderson (MCI) had a defensive contribution removed after the whistle, costing two points (“Yes, I’m chopped”), and the champion still won, because the leader scored 21. Sunday, 9:59am: “LETS GOOOOO / stole the win from fent / Real Manhattan is 🔙🔛🔝.” The staff will allow one of those three arrows.

“how fent folders make a come back every time mane”

— Arne, Sunday, 8:51am, slightly early

“Need Calafiori to outscore Rice by 4 points or less”

— Teddy, Sunday, 8:10am, a sentence that took the staff three reads

YANITED 38—39 wadeland

Aura by one: wadeland wins a game that was 33-39 before the subs came on

Mr. Hur previewed this one Friday morning: “Wadeland vs Yanited lowkey a battle.” It was, eventually. Mr. Mehrotra, who has now gone three weeks without visibly interacting with his roster, got eight from Van Hecke (TOT) and a rare Spurs clean sheet (“W van hecke”), six from Sels (NFO), and ones and twos from everyone else, including a Strand Larsen (CRY) who played 45 minutes for one (“strand a bum”). Cash (AVL) scored six on the bench. 39 points. Aura.

Mr. Dewan’s XI made 33, but two of his starters made zero: Nico O’Reilly (MCI), who was injured in the warm-up at the Etihad and is the reason Enzo Fernández started, and Frimpong (LIV). The league office will bring on Gusto (CHE) for one and Isidor (SUN), who won the penalty Le Fée scored, for four. That makes 38. Mainoo (MUN) was the best of it, nine with an assist and fifteen defensive contributions, which is the sort of number that gets a man a Serie A move. Rogers (CHE) scored inside two minutes at the Emirates for six and Arush felt it: “teka might fry me if chelsea cook.” Chelsea did not cook. Sunday, 10:39am: “did i win.” Then: “let’s gooo another W.” YANITED are 0-1-2 with 125 points scored, which is more than four teams above them.

“buddy / i’m undefeated / gotta be precise in the big leagues”

— Arush, Sunday, 11:03am, to a chat that had just noticed the machine was first

RDunited 34—51 Shmoney

Shmoney’s three Forest centre-backs ruin Mr. Siddiqui’s weekend

Friday night, 12:08pm Pacific: “Isakkk / Good goal? / I’m taking a dump.” Mr. Siddiqui missed both, because Isak (LIV) scored twice in the first nine minutes at Portman Road, both set up by Gakpo (LIV), and the man who took him fourth overall was informed by Mr. Chawla in real time (“isak again / raed / u eatin cuddy”). Thirteen points. Then the rest of the weekend happened. Konsa (ARS), on his first Arsenal start, made four on the bench. Tzolis (ARS), with the assist for Ødegaard, made five on the bench. Wilson (LEE) started and played seventeen minutes for zero. Šeško (MUN) came off the bench at Goodison, scored, and Raed spent the afternoon at war with his own club: “Why tf is Benny being benched,” “Im done w Carrick bro,” “I’m done w this cunha st.” 34 points, 0-3, and a weekend he described at 8:16am Sunday as “lwk ruined.”

Shmoney’s 51 was built on a wall. Murillo (NFO) eight, Milenković (NFO) seven, Neco Williams (NFO) seven, a clean sheet against a Tottenham side that has now played three games without a shot on target at the City Ground or a goal anywhere, plus Gvardiol (MCI) eight and Haaland (MCI) nine for his 300th career goal. Mr. Siddiqui’s review: “Shyam 3 Forrest defenders get first ever clean sheet ya Allah.” Then, Sunday: “I got fried from the Nottingham Forrest 3 clean sheets smh.” Mr. Kannan started Mosquera (ARS) for zero minutes, so Welbeck (CHE) will come on for one and the total lands on 51, level with the machine for the week’s top score. “We up.” Then, at 10:52am Saturday, a question the staff would like framed: “Wait I have more points than farn.” He does, on the season: 141 to 137. He is second. Shmonsurance is paying out.

“Bruh it sucks it’s on shyam”

— Raed, Friday, 12:09pm, on his own Isak brace

“Rashy is frying these guys”

— Raed, Sunday, 7:25am. Rashford did not score

Old Lady 35—51 Big Michail

Barcola touches the ball once; Big Michail scores 51 without Foden

Mr. Kang, who filed nine waiver claims last week and was ranked sixth by this desk for his trouble, scored 51 with Foden (MCI) producing one point in 24 minutes and Sangaré (BRE) producing zero in 45. The work was done elsewhere: Luka Vuskovic (BHA), a 19-year-old centre-back, headed in his first Brighton goal from a De Cuyper corner for twelve; Harvey Barnes (NEW), whom Hugh tried to cut for Barcola, scored and assisted against Bournemouth for twelve; Tavernier (BOU) scored in the same game for ten; Pedro Porro (TOT) seven behind a Spurs clean sheet. Kinský (TOT), who started GW1 and became a bit, kept a clean sheet for six on the bench behind Leno (FUL), who conceded three. Hugh’s pre-match forecast was “i reckon barcola late sub game winner.” His in-match forecast was “barcola in.. go easy on me plz.” Neither was required.

Signore Conta got what Barcola gave everyone on Friday: 26 minutes off the bench, one point, and Mr. Siddiqui’s post-match scouting report, “Barcola rly touched the ball once.” Gakpo (LIV), the other Liverpool winger, made eleven with two assists and ten defensive contributions, so the winger Nic had was the one he needed. The rest of the Old Lady front line played 25 minutes combined: Gyökeres (ARS) twelve, Muniz (FUL) seven, Solanke (TOT) six. Aït-Nouri (MCI) did not play, so Muñoz (NFO) will come on for one. 35 points, 0-3, and the first waiver pick spent on a man who has not yet started a Premier League game. Mr. Kang, two days later, staring at a Hull side that has not conceded in two league games: “it might be time for us to consider picking up these hull city assets / these players deadass outscoring haaland and nobody touching them.” Hookah Doncic own two of them. Both are on the bench.

“Did barcola even touch the ball?”

— Teddy, Friday, 1:54pm

“I could fw that”

— Nic, Friday, 11:45am, on the prospect of a Barcola late winner

Rayanair 22—35 A

The control group wins; Rayanair starts three passengers who never boarded

Mr. Hussain made one manual transaction in his life last week and this week collected his first win with 35 points, most of it from City’s back line: Donnarumma (MCI) seven, Guéhi (MCI) eight with two bonus, a clean sheet against a Coventry side that has now lost three without scoring. Mukiele (SUN) four, Nketiah (CRY) four with the assist for Mitchell’s first, and Truffert (BOU) ninety minutes for zero, a yellow card and two conceded cancelling his appearance. Enciso (IPS), whom Rohit called “such a good pick up from ahmed” on Friday, made one. Grealish (EVE) came on for 24 minutes and made one. The control group did not need any of them.

Rayanair boarded eleven and three did not fly. Bruno Guimarães (ARS), Eze (ARS) and Richarlison (TOT) all started and all played zero minutes, which is the same number of zero-minute starters as last week, and Bouaddi (MCI) played fourteen for one. The league office will send on Sávio (TOT) for three and Maguire (MUN) for two, which lifts 17 to 22. Havertz (ARS) scored against Chelsea for eight and was the only Rayanair player above three. Mr. Kfir is 0-3 with 97 points scored, last in the league on both counts, and Ollie Watkins (AVL) remains on the bench, on the roster, and in Riyadh. Mr. Hur, on Havertz, offered the week’s only sincere line about this fixture: “I underestimated bro.”

“enciso was such a good pick up from ahmed / im pissed”

— Rohit, Friday, 1:53pm. Enciso scored one point